Sacrifices
by Midnightkisses10
Summary: Arthur can't get Mordred out of his head. The druid boy couldn't do any wrong in his eyes, he was perfect. Arthur didn't realise how wrong he could be.
1. Sacrifices

Arthur saw a slight smirk on Mordred's face and couldn't help the subtle grin overcome his own face. Their swords were raised and they fell into defensive stances. Challenge accepted.

Mordred landed the first harsh blow which Arthur expertly blocked and their fight started. Their movements were quick and swords flew with a sharp grace.

The two were alone and already training in the early hours of the morning. They had arranged these meetings to build up Mordred's skill and health, he had been quite weak since he was on deathbed, quite expectedly. Arthur wanted his knight to be on top form again as soon as possible. Not to mention, duelling with Mordred was bloody fun.

With a few more clash of swords, Arthur had Mordred falling on his back, his sword flying out of his hand and onto the grass, a couple of metres away. The king was about to hold his hand out for his knight, when Mordred knocked Arthur's sword away with a swift kick, then with the other, tripped Arthur up.

Arthur was momentarily taken aback, his eyes wide but when Mordred started to wrestle him playfully he was easily able to throw the boy off and pin him to the ground.

They laughed as the dark haired druid tried to pull his wrists away and out of Arthur's grip but failed miserably. He gave up in the end and their sniggers eventually ceased.

Mordred's piercing blue eyes met Arthur's and they were lost for a second. With heavy breaths and intense gazes, they were lost in each other.

Arthur coughed awkwardly before rolling off Mordred's frame and brushing himself off. Mordred sat up, a blush brushing his cheeks as he sought his sword.

"Well I think it's safe to say I won that one." Arthur said cheekily when he stood.

"I let you win." Mordred tilted his chin to his chest, scared to meet Arthur's eyes.

Arthur offered Mordred a hand which he took gratefully, "You keep telling yourself that."

When they returned to the castle they went their separate ways. Arthur went straight to his quarters where he was expecting a large breakfast already prepared by Merlin but he was greeted by a stressed George, rushing around to finish the meal and prepare the table.

George looked shocked when he saw the king standing in the doorway and nearly dropped a plate, "Oh sire! … Good morning…"

"Where's Merlin?" Arthur said with a frown.

"H-he's sick, sire. In bed with a fever. Gaius sent me this morning."

"So much for my hunting trip…" Arthur mumbled under his breath, "And Queen Guinevere? Is she to join me this morning?"

"Not that I know of, my lord. I was only told to prepare breakfast for one."

Arthur almost growled. He had been seeing less and less of Guinevere recently and it upset him. Yes, they didn't have the spark they first had when they were married, like any couple, however that didn't mean he shouldn't at least share his meals with his wife. Was that too much to ask?

When he finished his breakfast, Arthur headed down to see Merlin and find out what was happening with his hunting trip. The last few weeks had been particularly stressful, there were a lot of storms and it had left a few villages in Camelot at ruins. Arthur had spent the last few weeks finding money and supplies to help the people in difficulty. The hunting trip was to be a nice break from all of it.

He arrived at Gaius' door, knocking and waiting a few seconds before entering. Gaius was not there it seemed so Arthur headed straight for Merlin's door.

Merlin was lying in his bed, shooting up straight when the thump of the door came. Arthur stood there with a frown and the servant groaned immediately.

"I'm sick, Arthur."

"What about my hunting trip?"

"You can't go, I guess."

"See, that's where you're wrong, _Mer_lin," Arthur said patronisingly, "Because I'm the king and what the king wants, the king gets."

"Well you're not getting it from me," Merlin shifted under the sheets and onto his side, "Ask someone else. George did come to serve you this morning, didn't he? Go with him."

"No. He's an even bigger idiot than you."

Merlin moaned into his pillow, wishing for Arthur to just leave him alone, "Bring one of the knights then. You won't have anyone carrying all your things but at least you won't have an _idiot _like me with you."

Arthur set off for his next destination, to see Guinevere before the knights meeting. He didn't expect to literally run into Mordred as he turned a corner. Mordred seemed startled and that familiar blush was on his pale cheeks. He was dressed down, no armour or cape, just a thin shirt which slightly revealed his smooth chest.

"Oh, Mordred." Arthur said nervously, pressing his lips together.

"My lord…" Mordred nodded his head in courtesy.

"Are you… going to the meeting?"

"I'm meeting Percival now… then we'll go I think."

"Oh, okay… I'll see you later."

"See you later."

Mordred scurried down, not looking back at Arthur once. Arthur watched after him, wondering what was affecting the boy so much. He wondered if it was what happened this morning… then again, nothing did happen really, Arthur told himself. Why would Mordred be contemplating on that? Arthur wasn't. Of course not.

It was a one off awkward moment. Nothing more or less. Certainly nothing to dwell on.

"Hey, Mordred!"

Mordred spun back around on demand, his lips parted but his eyes seemed bright and happy.

"I'm going on a hunting trip tomorrow but Merlin cannot go. Would you like to come with me?"

Mordred's lips broke into a grin and nodded vigorously, "Yes! Yeah… that sounds great… good… my lord."

Arthur couldn't help but smile, "I'll make arrangements with you later. Thank you."

The young king finally arrived to see his queen who was sitting in front of the mirror, her maid brushing her hair as they chatted. The maid spotted Arthur in the mirror and curtseyed before quickly rushing out. Gwen smiled at her husband as he pulled up a seat next to her.

"How are the villages?" Gwen asked, picking the hair brush up to do her own hair.

"Better. Still not great, but better." Arthur said honestly.

"Good, that's good," There was a moments silence before she continued, "Um, are you going hunting tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Oh. I feel like I haven't seen you for a long time, Arthur. I was hoping to spend time with you."

"Well, you certainly could have this morning. Or last night. At least to share a meal with me."

Gwen pursed her lips and turned her head away from Arthur abruptly, "As you could have all these months."

"That's completely different."

"In what way?"

"You know what, I do not need this now," Arthur stood up, huffing, "It's the last thing I need."

Gwen flipped her head away and went back to combing her hair, "Fine. Avoid talking about things, Arthur. It will be your downfall."

Arthur was in the worst mood he could be in when he walked into the room with the round table. The awkward situation between him and Mordred, Merlin being sick flaking out on his duties and then Gwen being royally annoying, so annoying that he couldn't spend more than two minutes with her. All of them minor occurrences, but when built up they were enough to send Arthur to insanity.

And if that wasn't enough, seeing Mordred with his shoulders bumping into Percival's, the larger man's arm wrapped around his smaller form as Percival whispered into Mordred's ear intimately, drove him to the brink for some reason. Mordred laughed at whatever Percival said and leaned in closer.

Arthur felt a surge of jealousy hurry through his veins. His teeth were clenched and lips pressed together tightly. He wanted Percival away from Mordred, now. Far away.

"Alright, I'm having a rubbish day and I want this over and done with," Arthur shouted obnoxiously over the knights, "Percival, stop flirting with Mordred and get on with it."

Percival pulled away with a bashful look on his face. Mordred however, looked hurt and stared at Arthur for a long while, just trying to figure out what was going on in his king's head.

~X~

Arthur examined Mordred from his window prepare his horse. He gently stroked the animal, almost to comfort it. When he pulled the rein over the horse's head, it struggled somewhat but Mordred instantly calmed it down. Arthur smiled. He didn't think Mordred could have a bad bone in his body. Everything he did was out of kindness and loyalty. He was glad to have him as a knight and a friend.

Arthur ran down the steps eagerly so he arrived in the main square. Mordred was already on his horse, happy and ready to go. George was packing Arthur's things, clumsily but Arthur just ignored him and grabbed Mordred's hand roughly.

"Ready?" Arthur grinned.

"Ready." Mordred nodded with enthusiasm.

The pair galloped away from the castle and away from all responsibility. Hunting trips were the only time Arthur could get away from being king, from being married. He didn't have to be anyone but himself which was good for once.

Mordred followed behind Arthur, as he told Mordred all about Guinevere and his troubles with her. He spilled his heart out to Mordred, as if he had known the boy for years and years and they had been friends all that time.

"It sounds like you need to spend time together." Mordred said in a voice Arthur couldn't quite figure out.

Arthur sighed, "I need my space."

"It's called getting a balance, Arthur."

Arthur stopped his horse suddenly and Mordred had to pull back on the reins sharply, "It's hard… The majority of my time is spent doing things for Camelot, then in my private time I want to train and I have to spend time with my wife, but I also want to be with my friends."

"Sometimes you have to learn to make sacrifices."

Mordred's tone seemed cold and distant and Arthur decided to leave the conversation there. He couldn't help but think there was a double meaning to Mordred's words.

They soon found a place to leave their horses and bags and the hunt started. Within an hour they had already caught two rabbits and were stalking a deer. They had hardly said two words to each other, other than quick instructions.

Arthur noticed how quick and quiet Mordred was; quite sly in a way. He watched how his body moved with grace, though still with power. Mordred was fascinating to Arthur. He could watch him all day if he had the opportunity.

Hours later, Arthur and Mordred were heading back to their horses so they could return to Camelot. Arthur walked quickly in front while Mordred trailed behind. Arthur could hear Mordred's sharp, tired breathing but considered it normal after a long day hunting.

They were near to the horses, when Arthur suddenly heard Mordred's steps cease. He turned around swiftly, only to see Mordred collapsed on one knee with a pained face. He clutched just below his shoulder, where he had been struck only just over a month before.

Arthur surged forward, pulling Mordred's arms around him so he could support himself. The king tried to get Mordred's lolling head to look at him, "Mordred… Mor- Mordred… What's happened? A-Are you okay?"

"Art-Arthur… it hurts…" Mordred whispered in a pained moan.

Arthur lifted Mordred in his arms and carried him quickly back to the horses. Mordred held onto Arthur's arm desperately, trying to stay conscious.

"You idiot, you should have told me it was hurting before you were too weak to even stand…" Arthur commented as they arrived at their destination.

"I-I didn't want to interrupt your hunting…" Mordred sighed, his face burying in Arthur's neck.

Arthur smiled slightly, his hand cupping the back of Mordred's head, cradling him close. He placed Mordred down onto the leaves and told him to stay still. Arthur fetched everything he needed, water and cloths, sheets to cover him and for him to rest on.

The next thing to do was remove Mordred's armour and chain mail which was probably weighing down horribly on his wound. Arthur sat Mordred up and started to undo his armour.

Once that was off, only a thin cotton shirt lay between his chest and Arthur. Arthur's eyes ran up the expanse of Mordred's neck and he admired the small wisps of dark hair brushing his forehead. Mordred's eyes were staring at his lap, but Arthur could just about glimpse pools of blue.

"Take your shirt off." Arthur said in monotone and cast his eyes away.

Mordred did as he was told and stripped himself of his shirt. Arthur made sure not to stare and simply started to prepare a wet cloth to clean the blood which splattered around the wound.

"It's opened up again. The wound," Arthur stated, "It's not too bad though. I can stitch it up. We'll rest here for the night."

"Why don't we just get Gaius to do it?" Mordred mumbled.

"Because you're nearly passing out from loss of blood. By the time we get back to Camelot you'll be long gone. And the best remedy is rest."

Arthur cleaned the wound in silence, just listening to Mordred's small gasps and winces. Once finished, Arthur reached for a dry cloth and held it up for Mordred.

"Hold it on the wound, I'm going to get some wood and start a fire. It won't help if we both freeze to death."

Mordred, again, obeyed Arthur readily. Arthur stood up and disappeared into the woods. The young boy suddenly felt very vulnerable and alone. He shivered, missing the warmth of Arthur's body near his. He could only wait impatiently for the return of his friend.

The older man trudged through the forest, picking up pieces of wood on his way. Normally, he would never be doing this, mainly because he had Merlin to do the servant's work, but he would also never do it for just anyone.

He thought about Mordred and him. He had never been friends with anyone like Mordred before. There was a quiet mystery about him, yet he felt he knew him better than anyone. Mordred was fascinating, he was sure of Mordred's loyalty and goodness and was sure he couldn't see him as anything but good.

And he was beautiful.

Arthur found girls beautiful, Morgana was beautiful, Gwen was beautiful, though it was nothing compared to Mordred's beauty. It was different, he couldn't even explain it. With his deep azure eyes and pearly skin that contrasted so greatly with his black hair, Mordred outshone any woman.

Again, it was the mystery behind him. Just when Arthur thought he had him figured out, he would say or do something that turned it around. That was what made Mordred so beautiful.

The blonde arrived back and lit the fire within minutes. He searched through his bag to find a small parcel with a needle and thread which Merlin had packed a while a go.

"Um, I'll sit down behind you, you'll have to lean back so I can get to the cut properly." Nervousness was laced in Arthur's voice.

"Uh-okay…"

Arthur sat behind Mordred tensely, his legs crossed. He removed his armour also, so he was more comfortable. Mordred waited until Arthur was ready before leaning back, against Arthur's chest so his head was rested on the elder's shoulder.

Mordred was so close. Arthur could feel his breath tickling his cheek and his bare skin pressed against his. He wanted to run his hands over that milky skin which was radiating with the shine from the fire. He wanted to touch and taste. Then Arthur caught sight of Mordred's pink lips and he couldn't look anymore.

"You're mad, you know. You should have told me it was hurting." Arthur said in a hushed tone, resting his hand on Mordred's other shoulder to keep him steady.

"I told you, I didn't want to interrupt your hunting," Mordred said softly, "I can tell you've been stressed lately… It can't be easy being king. You need a break to do something you enjoy once in a while."

"You're incredibly loyal, Mordred. One of the most loyal people I know."

"I don't know. Sometimes I'm not sure," Mordred tensed in anticipation as the needle struck into his skin for the first time, "I spent years trying to find Morgana. She seemed so kind and I just thought that one day… she would look after me. But she wasn't the same person when I saw her again. I realised who I believed in more."

"So… you believe in me?" Arthur said with a cheeky grin.

"Yes, I do." Mordred smiled, bowing his head in embarrassment.

"I'm glad to have you as a knight, Mordred. You're the type of person I want to protect Camelot. And by my side."

"By your side?"

"Yes…" Arthur said honestly, "You're a good friend."

Mordred' head fell back onto Arthur's shoulder with one harsh pierce of the skin, "Ow-"

"Sorry."

"It's okay…" Mordred's eyes scanned Arthur's face, "I've never really had a friend before."

"Really? Never?"

"No… never."

"Not even when you were younger?"

"No… It's never been easy. We were always on the run… I didn't have time."

Arthur paused for a second, feeling regretful. He can't imagine a life like that. It sounded horrible. He had lived in such luxury, he was handed everything he wanted, including friendship, on a silver plate, "I'm sorry."

Mordred chuckled lightly, "It's not your fault. I'm happy for what I have now, I'm grateful to you. And I'm glad that of all people, you are my friend because you're a good man, Arthur. I would give my life for you time and time again."

"I remember you so well when you were younger… there was just something about you, something about your face and even your name… something familiar that was drawing me to you," Arthur sighed noticeably, "Your face always haunted me. In my dreams. I ended up thinking about you everyday. No matter what. Even if it was just for a moment…"

"I always thought of you too… I wanted to see you again."

"I wanted to meet you again too," Arthur tied a knot when he was finished, Mordred emitting one last gasp, "Done. It's probably not the best work… it should be redone when we get back to Camelot, but it will do for now."

"Thank you, Arthur."

"Here," Arthur started wrapping the bandages around Mordred's shoulder, "Just so you know, I would give my life for you too. You're far too special to lose."

"I wouldn't want the king to give his life for just me."

"You're just as important as me. If not, more." Arthur said, almost flirtatiously.

Mordred laughed heartedly, "I don't think your kingdom would agree with you."

Arthur grabbed Mordred by the shoulders, pulling him back to whisper in his ear, "If they knew you they would."

They both laughed together. Mordred leant back comfortably on Arthur and Arthur's hands lingered on Mordred's bare shoulders.

"My back aches." Mordred said, trying to pull away but Arthur stopped him.

"Here, apparently I have magic hands, when they need to be anyway." Arthur said jokingly. He started to massage from Mordred's neck, down his spine. His were gentle but soft, putting pressure where he thought necessary.

The heat started to build between the boys and Mordred's chest and face were flushed. His lips parted and he contained the sounds that wanted to fall from his lips.

Arthur found himself in a trance. Somewhere in his mind he decided that what was to happen was what he wanted more than anything at this moment in time and he didn't care for the consequences. He couldn't find the will to care. He was drunk with Mordred. His smell, his touch. The noises that he tried to keep in.

He wanted Mordred so much.

"That feels really good." Mordred gasped as Arthur's breath brushed against the back of his neck.

"Mordred…" Arthur's lips were a centimetre away from Mordred's skin, "You're so beautiful."

His lips finally descended on the back of Mordred's neck and Mordred was momentarily taken aback. A moan finally ripped from his throat, as his hand shot back to thread his fingers in Arthur's hair.

Within a second they were completely lost in each other. The world outside this forest didn't exist, it was just them, together. They could only think of each other, feel and breathe each other.

Arthur's kisses started to trail up the side of Mordred's neck until he reached his ear, sucking on the lobe. Mordred threw his head back, so he could reach Arthur's lips. He pulled Arthur's head forward and crushed their lips together for the first time.

There was a clash of tongues and teeth as they fought for dominance. Arthur ventured Mordred's mouth, every inch and crevice he wanted to memorise, find the spots that drove Mordred wild. He soon won their little battle and Mordred gave in, letting Arthur lead him through their kiss.

The king forced them to shift their positions until Mordred was lying on his back on the thin sheets. Mordred panted as Arthur climbed over him, sitting on his hips. Arthur admired Mordred's body and his immediate thought was that he couldn't believe his luck. Mordred was stunning. More than any woman.

Wait… Guinevere. His wife.

"We really shouldn't be doing this…" Arthur said and then pressed his lips together.

"I know, I know we shouldn't but Arthur… please, just this once. Just tonight…" Mordred begged, his eyes frantic for contact, for Arthur.

Arthur couldn't resist Mordred as much as his mind wanted to. His heart took over, "Okay…"

Arthur pressed his lips more softly, more lovingly to Mordred's than he had to anyone before. With that kiss, they were lost in each other.

At least for one night.

~X~

The next morning, Arthur and Mordred woke up in each other's arms, curled in each other's limbs. Arthur stirred, nuzzling his nose into Mordred's temple as if it were the most normal thing to do. His blue eyes flickered open and he was greeted by dark curls tickling his eyelids.

Mordred stretched his body out as he woke, unconsciously snuggling closer to Arthur. Arthur stared, the events of the night before sinking into his brain.

Guilt. That was the main emotion that washed through Arthur. If Gwen knew what happened last night… she would be devastated. Embarrassed, angry, betrayed… Arthur certainly didn't want to make her feel that way. Not to mention, they had made a promise of faithfulness through marriage… one that he had broken without second thought.

When Gwen had cheated with Lancelot, Arthur had gone mad. He felt betrayed and disappointed. All those feelings Gwen had caused him then, he swore he would never inflict them on another. But there was the possibility he could do that to Gwen.

He was a hypocrite.

"We should go…" Arthur mumbled, pulling away from Mordred who's arms were draped over him.

Mordred was momentarily confused. He reached out to Arthur, still in a sleepy haze but then realised what was happening. His face dropped. He and Arthur had slept together. And Arthur was now blatantly dismissing him. Arthur was feeling guilty… Though Mordred couldn't seem to bring himself to feel guilty at all.

Arthur started to put his armour on, facing away from Mordred who was still getting up. He closed his eyes solemnly, wanting to keep as distant away from Mordred as possible. Why did he go through with it? Sure, it felt pretty good at the time and he might have some feelings for Mordred that he shouldn't have, but was it worth it? At the moment, it certainly didn't feel that way.

"Arthur… are you angry?" Mordred's small voice came.

Arthur shook his head, still facing away from the Druid, "Only at myself."

Mordred paused for a moment, pouting his lower lip out, "I'm not angry."

"That's because you don't have a wife or even a girl, Mordred. It's not the same for you."

"Arthur… I-I can't put my armour on…"

Arthur cursed quietly, but accepted he would have to look at Mordred now. When he turned around, Mordred wasn't scared to look him straight in the eye, his gaze piercing and harsh. But it was also despairing. Arthur could see a pool of emotion.

Silently, Arthur checked Mordred's wound which seemed fine and then helped him dress, mumbling that the armour was too heavy for his wound.

He cast his eyes away immediately when he was finished but Mordred grabbed his arm. An arm slid around Arthur's neck and lips were on his for a slow kiss.

Mordred pulled away and smiled weakly, "I-I'm sorry, I just wanted… one more kiss…"

Arthur rested his forehead against Mordred's, savouring the sweet moment, "It's okay… I-I understand."

They headed back and dared speak again of the night's events. They could only hear the sound of the hooves of the horses scuffing against the grass.

The first thing Arthur did when they arrived in Camelot was bring Mordred to Gaius. They both seemed relieved to part; the tension between them was almost unbearable and they couldn't stop themselves from wanting to jump each other.

Arthur went back to his quarters and immediately collapsed on his bed. The events of the past day lolled over in his head and he wondered how things could change so quickly. It used to be simple; he was hopelessly in love with Gwen, his queen, and they were going to live happily together.

How Mordred had turned his world upside down.

Now, his eyes only followed Mordred. All the feelings he ever had for anyone, amplified unbelievably when concerning Mordred. He desired Gwen, but not the way he was desperate for Mordred. He thought Gwen was beautiful, but Mordred was perfect. He liked spending time with Gwen, but time with Mordred was so incredibly precious.

He loved Gwen, yes, but not the way he loved Mordred.

There was the soft creak of the door as Guinevere poked her head around the door. She smiled sweetly and Arthur felt a pang of guilt.

"How was your hunting trip?" Gwen asked.

Arthur sat up, a slight blush over his face as he thought of last night, "It wasn't bad. Mordred's wound opened up… that's why we stayed the night."

"Oh no, is he okay?" Gwen moved towards the bed, sitting beside her husband.

"He's okay, just weak."

Gwen moved her hand to grasp Arthur's, he flinched at the feeling, "Look, Arthur, I'm sorry about the other day… I understand you're under a lot of pressure. I didn't mean to be inconsiderate."

Arthur brought the top of Guinevere's hand to his lips, "It's okay. It's my fault too. You were right, I should find time to spend with my wife. No matter how hard. I haven't been a good husband and I'm sorry for that."

Gwen threw her arms around Arthur, hugging him tightly, "I love you so much."

Arthur hesitated but in the end managed to croak out, "I love you too."

~X~

Arthur glared at Percival and Mordred.

He stood at his bedroom window, looking out onto the courtyard where they walked. Percival's arm was slung around Mordred's shoulders as they spoke. Mordred looked solemn and pensive, his lips moving while Percival listened intently.

What if he was telling Percival about what happened? Were… Percival and Mordred together? Would Percival be angry?

Arthur threw his fist against the wall. He needed to forget Mordred, forget what happened between them. That was the only way to get on with things. Mordred was just his knight, he had to tell himself that. Any feelings that they had for each other were irrelevant.

"Sire?"

Arthur bit his lip at the sound of Merlin's voice and only turned his head to regard his servant. Merlin looked at him, concerned, approaching him.

Merlin peered over Arthur's shoulder and out of the window. He curiously looked at Percival and Mordred who had stopped in the middle of the yard, Percival's hands on both of Mordred's shoulders. Mordred's head was bowed and it looked as if Percival was reassuring him.

"I didn't know they were that close." Merlin shrugged.

Percival wrapped his arms around the dark haired boy and Arthur winced, "Me neither."

"Is everything okay, sire?"

"Yes, yes. I'm fine."

The king moved away from the window and sat down on the side of his bed awkwardly. He fiddled with his fingers in his lap, his eyes tearing up but he tried to avoid Merlin's worried gaze.

Merlin sat next to Arthur, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I said I'm fine, _Mer_lin."

"Well that's obviously not true."

"It's nothing."

"It's obviously not."

"If you say obviously one more time I'll wring your neck."

"Well you obviously won't."

There was a moment's silence when Arthur huffed, not being bothered to argue with Merlin anymore.

"Seriously Arthur, what's wrong?"

Arthur paused but decided that getting Merlin's advice wouldn't be too bad. Plus, Merlin was loyal to him and wouldn't say anything to anyone, "What if… you were married and you started having feelings for another person?"

Merlin's eyes widened but he tried not to show his nerves, "I'm guessing this isn't metaphorical."

"Merlin…"

"I don't know… I've never been in that situation. But… I would say I would ignore it. My marriage… would be my future. I wouldn't risk that."

"But what if you can't stop thinking about that other person. What if… you had never felt that way about anyone before. What if you couldn't stay away from them."

"Like I said, I have never been in that situation before," Merlin placed a comforting hand on Arthur's shoulder, "Arthur, Gwen is a good person. And it would kill her if she knew you felt that way about someone else. You know what it feels like in fact. You're going to have to cast those feelings to the side… for the sake of your marriage and your kingdom."

Merlin only confirmed what he knew. But it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Mordred more than anything.

However, he couldn't always get what he wanted. Even if he was king. Mordred was now out of bounds, they were to be no more than friends.

"You're right. Thank you, Merlin."

~X~

Weeks went by and no matter how hard he tried, Arthur couldn't shake Mordred from his mind. He continued to tell himself that Guinevere was his true love and he needed to ignore feelings for the druid boy.

It was proving impossible.

Mordred avoided Arthur on mutual terms, however they always seemed to bump into each other. In the corridors, or around the grounds of Camelot, even in town they always crossed paths.

It was unfair. Arthur should be able to forget what happened between him and Mordred, but it was haunting him. _Mordred _wasn't _letting _him forget. And now the guilt was eating him up.

Training was fully underway as Gwaine and Leon sparred, lazily. Some of the other knight also fought, while some practiced with cross bows. However the only ones Arthur could concentrate on were Mordred and Percival, who were having an unusually long break. As usual, they were standing close and chatting.

Arthur grit his teeth and growled, "Percival, get over here and give me a duel instead of wasting time."

Percival visibly groaned. He slapped a hand on Mordred's shoulder as he departed, whispering in Mordred's ear to elicit a quiet giggle from the young boy.

Arthur didn't go easy on Percival. Oh no. In fact, he took all his pent up frustration from the past few weeks on him. He landed blows which Percival struggled to block and Percival grew more and more concerned with each one.

The larger man could hardly throw any of his own hits with Arthur repeatedly throwing his sword at him. Mordred watched from the side, his face painted with fear. He could very well see Arthur's anger and knew the reason why he was like that.

When Arthur's strikes caused Percival to fall down onto his back, but the king still raised sword with the intention of bringing it down on Percival, Mordred thought it time to finally jump in. He moved with haste to stand between Percival and Arthur.

"Arthur! It's enough now!" Mordred pushed Arthur away, holding on as strongly as possible when Arthur tried to pull away.

"Get off me, Mordred!" Arthur yelled.

"No, you're getting out of control! You need to stop…"

"How _dare _you try and tell me what to do! I am the _king, _and you are nothing more than a stupid druid boy who showed a few acts of bravery! You are _nothing!" _Arthur screamed into Mordred's face, "You are here by sheer _luck! _You are weak and I regret ever making you a knight of Camelot! Who are you to order _me _around!" When he was particularly close to Mordred, he whispered harshly, "_You are nothing to me." _

The rest of the knights had stopped to see what the commotion was all about. Percival still lay on the floor, looking up at Arthur, shocked.

Arthur panted, glaring at Mordred who was looking down at his feet in shame. Finally, Mordred tilted his head up to reveal the tears rolling down his face, "Is that really all you think of me?" Mordred mumbled, "Is that all I am to you, my lord?"

Arthur spat, "Nothing more."

With a sob, Mordred quickly turned away and rushed towards the castle, a hand over his mouth to quieten himself down.

The rest of the knights stared at Arthur, wondering what an earth had possessed their king to behave in such away to a young boy. Arthur immediately felt guilty again, more guilty than he had done in the past few weeks.

He questioned whether Mordred would ever forgive him.

~X~

"What have you done to Mordred?"

Arthur had been expecting the question from his manservant. As much as Arthur hated to admit it, Merlin was incredibly sharp and he guessed that Merlin had figured there was something wrong.

Mordred could hardly look him in the eye today at the meeting of the round table. No matter how longingly he looked upon Mordred, Mordred avoided his gaze. And he didn't blame the boy, for the things he had said were completely disgusting.

"I was awful to him."

"Why?"

"I lost my temper."

A moment's silence went by as Merlin pondered whether to push the king any further. He decided that it wouldn't hurt.

"Why are you so angry at the moment…?"

Arthur bowed his head and said, "I can't tell you."

"Well… what did you say to Mordred that was so bad?"

"Horrible things… _Disgusting _things. I just… I made him feel like I didn't care about him at all."

"And you do…?"

"Of course… I-I mean he's my knight."

"And friend…"

"Y-Yes… friend…"

"Talk to him," Merlin said simply, "All you can do is talk to him, apologise."

"If he hears me out…"

"He will. He respects you and if you explain yourself he'll understand."

~X~

So Arthur set out to do just that.

He knocked on Mordred's door, stepping back hesitantly. He pinched the bridge on his nose, clenching his other fist.

Mordred appeared at the door, feeling taken aback to see Arthur there. Arthur had never been to Mordred's room to visit him and Mordred had only been a few times to Arthur's quarters.

The most shocking thing was Arthur being here after the things he had said yesterday. It had completely broken his heart. Mordred knew that Arthur regretted their night together but yesterday it became clear that Arthur resented him for it.

"Oh… my lord…" Mordred cast his eyes downwards, his heart immediately racing.

"Can I talk to you?" Arthur asked.

"Y-yes… of course…"

Mordred shut the door behind them and leant up against it, rocking on backs of his feet.

Arthur fidgeted slightly from foot to foot, before finding his confidence to speak, "I wanted to apologise for the things I said the other day…"

"My lord- no, it's okay-"

"No, it's not. They were absolutely disgraceful and unfair and I take it back completely," Mordred's eyes shone in happiness and relief, there might have even been a glimmer of hope there, "I'm sorry Mordred. I really am. Not just for what I said… but also for avoiding you since… what happened. It's not fair to you… You're still my friend and you don't deserve what I put you through."

"I forgive you… I understand that you can lose your temper… But Arthur… for me that's not the problem…" Mordred contemplated reaching out to Arthur but he wasn't sure whether he should, "I don't want to be just your friend… I-I thought that was obvious… and it's horrible knowing that you could never be with the person… because they don't want you…"

Arthur could see how heartbroken Mordred was and it hurt him too. He wanted so much to grab the boy in his arms, hug him tightly and tell him it would all be okay. He wanted so much to kiss him senseless.

"I-I… Mordred… I'm the king… I cannot love a man. And I am a husband. I cannot love anyone other than my wife… I'm sorry, but we both must look past what happened. Because it can't happen again."

~X~

Arthur lay in darkness, alone in his room. The thin covers were irritating him. He kicked them off. He turned over onto his other side, but the pillow pressed painfully against his cheek.

He rolled over onto his back, glaring at the ceiling.

He couldn't get his and Mordred's conversation out of his head. He sounded far less convincing than he wanted to when telling Mordred they needed to forget it. And he knew Mordred saw right through it.

But that gave him a little bit of hope.

As much as he tried to deny it and fight it, Arthur wanted Mordred to himself. He didn't just want Mordred's body, he wanted Mordred's heart. He knew that now.

And for some reason, he didn't care anymore. All he wanted was Mordred, whether no one ever knew about it or not. He would do anything to be with Mordred that way again.

Arthur's only justification for being with Mordred behind his wife's back and the rest of Camelot's, was that he had to sacrifice a lot of freedom being king, he was put under far too much pressure. He wanted to take the liberty of being with someone he loved. Was that too much to ask? His freedom was limited as it was. Even if it had to be behind closed doors, Arthur wanted to be with Mordred.

Just as he came to his decision, there was a soft knocking on his door. His head shot up and arm went to grab his sword.

"Who's there?" Arthur demanded.

The door clicked open and Arthur's heart filled with joy when he saw Mordred's head poke around the door. He grinned through the darkness as Mordred shuffled into the room.

"Are you alone, my lord?" Mordred's whisper came.

"Yes…"

Arthur closed his eyes as he heard Mordred's footsteps creep towards his bed. Weight dipped next to him and he opened his eyes again, smiling softly when he saw Mordred kneeling beside his body.

"Come here…" Arthur ordered softly. Mordred obeyed. He climbed over Arthur, legs on either side of Arthur's hips. Arthur heard Mordred's harsh breath and his own quickened in almost excitement.

Mordred rested his hands on Arthur's bare chest, moving over so slightly to feel the soft skin beneath his fingertips. Arthur's hands ventured over Mordred's defined hip bones, moving the thin linen shirt to get more access.

"Mordred… we cannot tell anyone about this. Because I am king, and I'm not supposed to love a man. Because I'm a husband, and I'm only supposed to love my wife." Arthur said in the darkness, holding Mordred's hands to show he cared.

"I'll do anything, Arthur, to be with you," Mordred squeezed Arthur's hands in appreciation, "Even if we have to keep it a secret for the rest of our lives. For you, a thousand times over."

Arthur grinned, pulling Mordred by the back of the neck into a heated kiss. He buried his fingers in Mordred's unruly locks, to keep the boy from ever pulling away, from ever leaving him.

As mouths and limbs twisted and intertwined in passion, neither Arthur nor Mordred could ever predict how much things would change soon.

~X~

_A/N: Absolutely OBSESSED with Merlin at the moment and decided to do a Mordred and Arthur fanfiction after episode 5 because I found how close they were interesting and thought we could push it a bit further... And maybe eventually offer an explanation for Mordred turning to the dark side! _

_I am planning to make a sequel soon, but it will probably be after series 5 finishes! _

_Until then, please review and see you soon! _


	2. Promises

Arthur was acting strangely.

Mordred could tell. He was not himself.

The king had quite suddenly invited him out on a hunting trip, which Mordred was more than happy to go on, but his suspicions were raised when Arthur brought him to an inn completely off route and in the middle of no where.

His first thought was that Arthur was ashamed of him. He only wanted to be with Mordred as far away from Camelot and his home as possible. Mordred felt dirty and disgusting at the prospect, like he was just a cheap toy to be played with at Arthur's will.

However, he soon noticed the fear in Arthur's eyes when there was a sharp noise or when they saw someone remotely suspicious. Arthur didn't want to be away from Camelot because he was ashamed of Mordred, he wanted to be away from Camelot because he was scared.

Mordred didn't blame him. His castle was where he was supposed to be safe but there had been two attempts on the king's life in the past month and within his very walls.

Arthur lay quietly on his front. His chin rested in his hands and eyes looked distant. Mordred lay on the bed beside him, watching his lover. The innkeeper had been surprised when they said they wanted a double bed, quite predictably. Thankfully, they didn't know who Arthur was.

Mordred rolled over, his chest pressed against Arthur's back. The young boy placed kisses over Arthur's shoulder, frowning when he got no response.

"Arthur, what's wrong?" Mordred whispered against Arthur's skin, continuing with his kisses.

Arthur was quiet for a moment, before replying, "I'm fine, Mordred. It's nothing."

"Well it's clearly not nothing," Mordred shifted onto his side, brushing Arthur's locks out of his eyes, "I can read you like a book, my lord."

"Really? Then you tell me what I am feeling."

"You're scared. Scared of your own castle, scared of your own friends."

"Arthur also turned on his side, resting his forehead against Mordred's, "Is it that obvious…?"

"No, just to me."

"There's a traitor in the castle, Mordred. Someone close to me. I don't feel like I can trust anyone."

"They will be found, Arthur. I can promise you that. All the knights… I…" Mordred sighed, "I won't let anything happen to you."

"I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid… of being betrayed. I'm afraid of whoever that person is that has tried to kill me. Because it might mean I lose a friend or loved one."

Mordred could only kiss Arthur softly, "I'm sorry if that happens. But I can promise… that you'll always have me."

"Arthur rolled them over, so Mordred was trapped between himself and the mattress. The both smirked, "As long as I have you, everything will always be good."

~X~

"I have to go."

"Where?"

"I can't tell you."

"Something's happened Arthur," Mordred hardly looked down the corridor to check before raising his hand to caress Arthur's cheek, "Please tell me."

Arthur pulled away and started to move in the opposite direction, "I can't."

Mordred grabbed Arthur's arm, "Well at least let me come with you!"

Arthur caught Mordred's face and pressed his lips harshly against the Druid's, effectively shutting him up and leaving them both breathless, "You can't. You… can't. I need you to trust me."

Mordred nodded, "Okay."

Arthur looked nervously down the corridor but chose to plant another light kiss to Mordred, "I'll be back in a few days."

"I'll miss you." Mordred breathed.

Arthur grinned, "I'll miss you too."

When Mordred saw Merlin and Gaius rushing down the corridor with a 'dead' man and a woman's hand slipped off the cart they were pushing, Mordred knew there was something wrong.

Although he had promised Arthur to stay out of it, he was never one for promises.

Mordred followed Merlin and Gaius out of the castle on his horse. They met Arthur in the forest and Mordred could just about make out the queen unconscious. What on earth was going on?

Mordred continued to follow Arthur and Merlin's tracks, keeping his distance away from them. Eventually, he arrived at a cliff where two horses were left.

Curiously, he jumped off his horse when he heard a piercing cry.

Arthur.

Mordred grabbed his bag and rushed towards the sound. His breath was harsh and panicked. Arthur was in trouble. Arthur was in trouble. That was all that would run through his head.

Mordred found Guinevere lying on the stones, still as unconscious before. He grabbed her face, checking her pulse which seemed fine. Then he heard a shout of Merlin's name again.

The dark haired boy ran to the side of the cliff and saw Arthur laying on the rocks below, struggling to get his trapped arm free. Merlin lay a few metres away from him, motionless. Mordred's eyes widened and he scrambled to get a rope out of his bag.

"Arthur!"

Arthur's head shot up and Mordred smiled in response to seeing his beloved's face. Arthur sighed in relief, tilting his head back.

"Check on Guinevere!" Arthur forced out.

Mordred winced for a moment, he always got jealous when Arthur showed signs of caring for Guinevere but simply said, "I already have, sire! She sleeps soundly."

Mordred rescued Arthur and then they both carried Merlin up the cliff. They found a cave to rest for the night and then Arthur explained what was happening. Guinevere was enchanted by Morgana and she was the one trying to kill Arthur. Mordred controlled his anger as he talked to Arthur, clenching his fists. He saw how scared Arthur was because of Gwen.

He wanted to kill her.

Later on in the evening, Merlin left the cave for a bit of fresh air and they were finally alone. They almost immediately found themselves enveloped in an embrace by the fire, Arthur rocking Mordred back and forth in a comforting manner.

"I'm annoyed at you." Mordred stated, but still clung onto Arthur.

"Yes, I know."

"Why didn't you ask me to come with you? It feels like… you've run off with someone else."

"She is my wife, remember that Mordred. And I do love her," Arthur looked to the boy for his reaction but the boy cast his eyes away, "You're jealous."

"How can I not be?"

"I understand. But I had to come, Mordred. I had to try and reverse the enchantment. She's my wife and queen-"

"And she tried to kill you!" Mordred hissed, finally pulling out of Arthur's arms, "She deserves nothing less than to rot in hell!"

"She's under a spell," Arthur said calmly, "You wouldn't be saying this if weren't jealous of her."

Mordred sat a few metres away, his arms and legs crossed. He looked like a spoilt child, Arthur thought, "You love her more than me and that hurts."

"You're talking rubbish, Mordred."

"I'm not though! You know I'm right!"

"Do you really want to know why I didn't bring you along?" Arthur said, finally losing his temper slightly, "Because Gwen has to go willingly into the lake. And I am the one who has to persuade her, with my love, to go into that lake so the enchantment can be broken. I knew, if you were there then I wouldn't be able to persuade her with all my heart. You distract me, Mordred. I love you more than I love Guinevere and it would be hard to profess my love for her when you're standing next to me. Do you understand? I want to keep you and Guinevere separate in my life. I do love Guinevere, but not the way I love you. My duty, and my love. I need to keep you separate, Mordred and you must understand that."

Mordred sniffed, wiping away a few years, "Sometimes I just wish we could go out and not have to worry about being caught. I wish everything could just be… normal between us. I wish it could be simple… when I see you with her, when _everyone _sees you with her, I feel like a dirty little secret."

Arthur gasped, shaking his head. He bent down next to Mordred, wrapping his arms tightly around the smaller form, "Don't you _ever _think that. I love you more than anything, Mordred. We have to keep it a secret… because people wouldn't like it. It's supposed to be wrong."

"It's not wrong…"

"_We _know that. But others don't. I'm sorry that we have to keep it a secret. But it's that or not be together at all."

Mordred allowed a loud sigh to escape his lips and he nuzzled his nose into the king's neck, "It's not fair."

"I know. I know."

Arthur knew he would be distracted with Mordred there. He tried to tell Guinevere how much he loved him, but he was very much aware that he kept glancing at Mordred. His lover looked hurt which was understandable.

He could feel Guinevere pulling away, he knew it wasn't working. He considered giving up, leaving Guinevere to die because he couldn't truly tell her he loved her anymore. That way, at least he and Mordred could be together, the way Mordred wanted them to be. But he couldn't do that to Gwen. Because even though he had fallen out of love with her, he still cared for her and couldn't let her die. And the type of relationship Mordred wanted, they could never have because they were both men.

So Arthur thought to a time when he did love Guinevere and chose to recall that. It worked. Gwen followed him into the lake willingly and the curse was reversed. It was a haze; Arthur felt his duty was to watch Guinevere, make sure she didn't feel like turning back but his heart wanted so much to check on Mordred.

He and Guinevere rode home together and Mordred and Merlin followed behind. Mordred was quiet and Arthur felt guilty. He couldn't even turn around to look at Mordred.

He knew that if he saw Mordred profess his love for another in front of him, he would be devastated, not to mention jealous. He never wanted that to happen. Yet he had done it to Mordred. He made excuses and excuses and more excuses but he was hurting the person he loved, and that should be unforgivable.

Arthur didn't see Mordred until the next day. He spent the night with Guinevere, pouring in as much enthusiasm as he could, trying to block the druid boy from his mind for a while. It was hard but he think he had masked his feelings well, for Guinevere's sake.

They passed in the corridor in the morning and Mordred put his head down, mumbling a greeting and tried to scurry past. Arthur almost continued on, however he just couldn't. He turned around abruptly, grabbing Mordred's wrist and pulling him around a corner and out of sight. He pressed Mordred against the stone wall and held the smaller boy's hands.

"Let go, Arthur…" Mordred tugged out of Arthur's grasp half-heartedly.

Arthur released one of Mordred's hands and brushed Mordred's dark locks out of his eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not sure sorry is good enough anymore." Mordred wouldn't look Arthur in the eye.

"I know, Mordred, you deserve more than this. I know you do, but I'm begging you to forgive me," Arthur said with a broken voice, "I can't escape my duty as king and we won't ever be able to be together the way we want to be, but I can promise you that I will always love you. I love you more than I've loved anyone before, Mordred. I need you to tell me whether you're ready to live a life like this, where we do need to sneak around and keep it a secret in order to be with each other. Or whether… you want to break free from this now. Because you do deserve more, Mordred. And… if you want more, I won't ever stop you."

Mordred savoured the feeling of Arthur's fingers brushing his forehead. He finally looked up to reveal his stunning blue eyes, "I will do anything to be with you, Arthur. I'm going to have to get used to seeing you with the queen… and getting hurt sometimes."

"I won't hurt you."

"I fear you might, and you won't know."

"Mordred…" Arthur kissed Mordred's cheek lovingly, "Come with me, to the fields outside the castle. Hardly anyone goes there. I want to be with you today."

Mordred smiled, rolling onto his toes to kiss Arthur's lips, "I'll race you."

They found themselves in the secluded meadows around Camelot, strolling and holding hands. They chatted about nothing important, nothing that mattered. Because they needed time where the rest of the world was cut out and they didn't need to think about anything else than each other.

"Can you stand on your hands?" Mordred asked with a grin.

"Hand stands? I haven't done one since I was young." Arthur chuckled, looking at Mordred curiously.

"I've never done one…." Mordred pulled away from Arthur, standing with his hands in the air in preparation.

"How have you never done a hand stand?"

"I didn't have a very… playful childhood, should we say…" Mordred said casually. He then threw his arms forward onto the ground, his feet not lifting far off the grass.

Arthur laughed again and Mordred pouted, "Here, I'll catch you," Arthur stood about a metre away from Mordred, holding his arms out, "Don't be scared, go for it."

Mordred tried again and this time his legs went flying into Arthur's chest. He giggled as Arthur held him, the older man grinning at Mordred's behaviour.

"It feels weird…" Mordred said, "My head feels weird…"

"Because you're upside down, Mor."

"Mor?"

Suddenly, Mordred lost control and his arms gave way, Arthur still holding his legs so he banged his head on the ground. Arthur let go automatically, only for Mordred to fall onto his back.

Arthur gasped and dove forward onto the floor, cradling Mordred's head to his chest, stroking his hair worryingly, "I'm so sorry Mordred, so sorry, are you alright? Does anything hurt?"

Mordred opened his eyes slowly and let another giggle escape his lips, "I'm fine… I'm fine."

Arthur groaned, "You're an idiot."

"Thank you," Mordred laughed, "Oh dear… I don't think I've laughed so much in my life."

Arthur hugged Mordred close, "It's nice to see you laugh. You don't often."

"I'm quite a serious person."

"I don't think you are, not at heart. I'm glad that I'm able to see the real you."

Mordred tilted his head up for a quick kiss, "It's only when I'm with you…" Arthur smiled and kissed Mordred longer and deeper, "So… what was that you called me…? Mor…?"

Arthur's cheeks heated up in embarrassment, "It just… came out."

"I-I like it." Mordred blushed, tucking his head into Arthur's neck.

Arthur started to stroke the back of Mordred's neck affectionately, "I'll have to use it more often," Mordred almost purred at the feeling of Arthur's fingers against his skin, "Tell me about your childhood."

"Why?"

"Because you never tell me anything about when you were younger."

"You knew me when I was younger."

"Not really. Not the you I know now."

"Well… The druids travelled around a lot so I was never in the same place for long. I never knew my mother, my father was all I had."

"What was it like living with the Druids?"

Mordred smiled, "They're good people. Always helping others, using their powers for good. They raised their young to be the same. I'm proud to be one of them."

"Were you lonely when you were younger?"

"When I lost my father, yes. It was hard going back to the Druids after that. I wasn't close to many others. Not many my age. I left when I was fifteen to find Morgana. And I was on my own for three years. Until now."

The king grinned, kissing Mordred's forehead, "Are you happy now?"

Mordred nuzzled his nose into Arthur's, "Happier than I've ever been and more than I ever will be."

~X~

Arthur pushed Mordred roughly up against the door of his quarters, slamming their lips together in a searing kiss. Mordred entwined his fingers in Arthur's hair, smiling, as he arched into Arthur.

"Arthur… it's the middle of the day, someone could come in at anytime…" Mordred chuckled against Arthur's lips, "Merlin… Queen Guinevere…"

"They won't… because we'll be quick." Arthur smirked.

Mordred allowed a breathy laugh to escape which turned into a moan. Arthur dragged Mordred towards his large bed, throwing him down onto it.

"Ow, my armour…" Mordred complained, sitting up on his arms.

"Sorry, sorry."

"You should be, you're the one who makes us knights wear it all the time."

"Not the time for complaints, Mordred."

Mordred giggled when Arthur started to kiss his neck passionately. Arthur knew it was Mordred's weak spot and he soon became a puddle of moans. Arthur removed Mordred's armour and quickly following his cotton shirt underneath.

The kisses started trailing downwards, only for Mordred's sounds to grow louder.

Arthur was too caught up to notice the door unlocking and opening. Mordred was too occupied by pleasure to notice someone, probably the very last person standing in the doorway, watching.

It was only when she gasped and cursed loudly that Arthur and Mordred noticed Guinevere watching them.

The lovers jumped away from each other, automatically pulling the covers over themselves even though they were still mostly dressed. Arthur quickly crawled out of the bed when Guinevere rushed out of the room, following her down the corridor.

Mordred lay left in bed, curled up in a ball. Abandoned.

"Guinevere, wait a minute and let me explain!" Arthur yelled down the corridor as he chased his wife.

"Explain?! What is there to explain, Arthur?!" Guinevere said with disgust, "You were with a man! A man!" She shrieked.

Arthur caught Guinevere's wrist, pulling her back and he was greeted by a sneer of repulsion, "Let's go somewhere quieter. Please."

Gwen accepted, the appalled look on her face not leaving. They moved back to Arthur's chambers. Arthur wasn't shocked to find that Mordred had already left. Guilt hit him. He hadn't said a word to Mordred before running after Guinevere and he knew that would have hurt his love.

Arthur looked back to Gwen. She was the one who would be most hurt right now and he needed to concentrate on her. Arthur had been dreading this happening. Because it was going to happen eventually. It was inevitable. Despite knowing it was going to happen, Arthur had no idea what he was going to say. He had no idea how to defend himself. Because he had no defence. He had acted selfishly and betrayed his wife.

It was unforgivable.

"I don't even know what to say to you, Arthur," Guinevere gripped her hair tightly near the roots and frustration, "With a _man? _You were with a _man?! _Actually, not even a man, a _boy! _It's wrong! It's filthy!"

"Look, I don't know what to say either," Arthur sighed nervously, "You know we've grown apart, I've tried to be a good husband and I've tried to stay in love with you, but it's just not there an-"

"But with a boy?! If it was with a girl I could at least understand it! With a boy, Arthur?!"

Arthur was quiet for a moment, his head hung low, "Because I love him. I love him more than anything."

Guinevere's face sunk and for the first time Arthur saw more than just anger, but heartbreak as well, "Why did you tell me everyday that you loved me then?"

Arthur softly took Gwen's hand in his, "Because I want to. I want to love you the way I did when we first married."

"Sleeping with a man won't help that."

"I know but I can't stay away from him," Arthur whispered, "I just can't."

"That's not because you love him. That's called no self-control."

"Well you know how I feel, Guinevere. You loved Lancelot the way I love Mordred," Guinevere lowered her head, trying to hide the pain at the mention of her first love's name, "I know it's always been Lancelot for you, Guinevere. I know you love me, but just not as much as him. I tried so hard to be better than him, to win your heart but it's always belonged to another. And now, now my heart has found who it's truly supposed to love. I want you… to understand. If Lancelot were to come back now… what would you do?"

Guinevere tugged away from Arthur, refusing to meet his gaze, "I would ignore him. Because I know it could never happen. Because we are married and we are to be together forever. We're married."

"On paper," Arthur insisted, "However not in soul."

"And what does that matter?" Guinevere hissed, "I've had to make sacrifices, you do too, Arthur."

"You expect me to break it off with Mordred." Arthur stated.

"Not only me, but your kingdom and court would if they knew."

~X~

Arthur knew Gwen was right. He and Mordred were never going to last forever. Firstly, Arthur was married. Secondly, they were both men and it was unnatural to love another man. Realistically, they were not destined. Realistically, they both knew this.

They weren't going to last.

But that didn't stop Arthur hanging on, clinging on to the idea of them being together. He told himself anything; they would remain to keep it secret, they could sneak around for the rest of their lives because they could only be happy together. Or the court would know, the queen and Arthur could have an open relationship and he could live his days out with his lover.

That would never happen.

Arthur avoided Mordred for the next few days. He needed time to think things over. He loved Mordred, he knew that. But could he not keep his love and duty separate anymore? Was his duty too much for his love…?

Did he have to give Mordred up…?

He did. He knew this.

But he didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to give Mordred up. He didn't want to stop loving Mordred. He didn't want to be apart from Mordred.

Mordred.

How was he going to tell him?

He really didn't want to hurt Mordred. Mordred was so much more sensitive than he appeared. He would be heart broken. Arthur knew Mordred loved him far too much for his own good and he would be devastated. He didn't want to do that to Mordred. He never wanted to do that to his love.

But he was going to have to.

He ended up outside Mordred's door, as he had so many times before. It reminded him of when he came to apologise to Mordred after they had slept together the first time, another time he had broken Mordred's heart. He had done it a few too many times now. Mordred always seemed to take him back though. He didn't deserve him.

Arthur knocked quickly on the door, stepping back and sighing. He wriggled on the spot, listening to the steps approaching the door from inside.

Mordred opened the door, his eyes widening when he saw Arthur there. He put his head down, resisting the urge to slam the door in his lover's face.

"Can we talk?"

Mordred recognised that tone and it didn't mean well. It meant it was serious. And when it was serious, Mordred always seemed to end up hurt. And he was fed up of ending up heart broken all the time. Mordred gave everything to Arthur, everything. He had even give up who he was for Arthur, to be close to him, to serve him. He was a sorcerer and kept it a secret all for Arthur. He gave Arthur all his heart and soul and Arthur would constantly stamp on it like it meant nothing.

Not anymore.

Mordred allowed Arthur to creep into his room and they stood there awkwardly for a moment. Inside, Mordred's anger was building and creeping up on him. It threatened to burst out of his chest at any moment, but he chose to control it somewhat and let out a pained whisper instead.

"Have you come to break my heart? Again?"

Arthur scrunched his eyes together, guilty. Those words twisted in his gut horribly. They made him feel sick.

"I don't want to hurt you, Mor," Arthur reached out to Mordred but the younger boy shrugged him off, "But Guinevere doesn't want us to be together, quite expectantly. And… she's right. It's not good for me as king. It's not good for the kingdom."

"Just go away, Arthur." Mordred hissed.

"What…?"

"Just fuck off, okay?!" Mordred pushed Arthur away clumsily, "I've had enough of your shit! You left me the other day, on your bed like your slut as you ran after your wife! You break my heart over and over and you expect me to come running back like your little puppy each time! I don't give a shit about your kingdom or duty, or your wife for god's sake! I wanted to be with you, that's it! But nothing I can do is enough! You've made me so many promises and you've broken every single one of them! So I don't care anymore, I want you to leave me alone! Leave me to be!"

"Mordred…" Arthur said brokenly, "I'm sorry- I-"

"No more apologies!" Mordred yelled as he punched Arthur's shoulder, "Fuck off! I hate you, I don't want to see you anymore! I'm your knight, that's all I am to you now! Not even friends! Just leave me alone!"

The king choked on his words and for the first time in his life he felt his confident front completely shatter, "Mordred- please listen to me-"

"Go away!" Mordred screamed painfully, piercing straight through Arthur's chest. A sob tore from Arthur's throat, however he backed away from Mordred, towards the door.

Arthur opened the door, his face ridden with tears when he took one last look back at Mordred. The pain in Mordred's eyes were almost unbearable to look at. They were red, blood red in Arthur's memory, as red as the Camelot's knight's capes. He was paler than ever, contrasting with his pitch black hair. Pain.

But the thing that stuck in Arthur's head the most, the thing that haunted his dreams was the change in Mordred he saw. He couldn't pinpoint it. It may be that he never saw Mordred smile again after that day. It may be that he the eyes he were so fond of never looked at him the same way again. He didn't know.

He did know that the change _scared _him.

~X~

Empty.

In every sense.

His bed was empty at night. He was only ever joined by Merlin during the day in his room. Even when he was sitting at the round table, surrounded by people.

His heart. At least before his heart had never been quite filled, there was always a part of him missing. Now, Mordred had left him and sucked every part of his soul from him too. No, he had been the one to leave Mordred, he broke it off.

He had done this to himself.

Arthur saw Mordred every day around the castle but they never said more than two words to each other. They had fallen into a mutual agreement to just not speak to each other. Not that it was working. They were forced to interact really.

One day Mordred came to Arthur's chambers. When the king saw Mordred standing in the doorway, his heart started to fill again. However he knew it wouldn't last. Mordred wouldn't come back to him, he had his last chance, he had too many chances in fact.

And again, there was that _change. _Mordred didn't look at Arthur with the same admiration anymore. Not only that, the druid looked like a different person now.

"Sire…" Mordred didn't- _couldn't _look Arthur in the eye, "My lord… I wanted to apologise for the way I behaved those weeks back… I was completely irrational and said some very disrespectful things. I hope you did not take offence and I'm sorry for saying them."

"Mordred…" Arthur raised an arm to place a comforting hand on Mordred's shoulder but Mordred just shrugged it off.

"No…" Mordred muttered, "My lord, I am your knight and nothing more now. I will serve you with all my loyalty but I cannot be anything more than that, please don't ask that of me. I wanted to set boundaries, to establish a new relationship- a _different _relationship. I think you'll agree that it is more appropriate."

Arthur' heart started to sink again. He hated the formality of Mordred's words nearly as much as what they meant. He remembered the days when they would talk forever, about nothing important. There were things they couldn't talk to anybody else about and they would speak so freely, they didn't fear being judged.

"I understand… and agree," Arthur replied much to his dismay, "It is definitely more appropriate."

With a handshake, Mordred left the room and the situation became ever so _slightly _easier. They could at least interact without completely dreading being in each other's company and were able to fall back into a knight and king relationship.

They still avoided each other when possible. They would hide around corners purposely to keep out of the way of the other and try to take routes far from each other's rooms. Like destiny, they still were always brought together in some way but their attempts were fairly successful.

And for two broken hearted men, their lives had proceeded quite well considering. They were hurting on the inside, and probably always would be, but they knew it could be worse.

Until she came.

Cara had been corrupted, Arthur knew this the first time he laid his eyes on her. She probably wasn't a bad person really, although it could be argued that Morgana was not really a bad person too. Nevertheless, she posed a threat to Camelot. She had killed and she didn't seem hesitant to kill again if she needed to. Plus, they were in a time of war. Arthur knew he had to be reasonably ruthless with his decisions.

She was to be executed, it was decided and was to happen. Arthur tried not to think much more of it and he was to carry on as normal.

But when Mordred came to his quarters begging for Kara to be pardoned, to be released it changed the situation forever. No longer was she just a criminal, she was a girl who Mordred knew, who Mordred cared about and with her death could potentially hurt Mordred more than he ever had done before, and he had hurt Mordred a lot. Not only that, though he knew it was not what should consume his mind, he was jealous of her.

It was another decision between duty and love. Between his head and heart.

He chose his head.

And as far as he could see, Mordred didn't react as bad as he thought. He certainly didn't approve of Arthur's decision, but he accepted it for the most part.

Arthur went to his ex lover in the evening. Mordred was completely shocked to see him there but still let the king into his room.

"Who is she to you?" Arthur asked, hiding the envy laced in his voice.

"She's my first love," Mordred replied simply, "Not my only, but my first."

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes. Not the way I used to, but I care for her a lot. First loves always hold a special place in one's heart. I do not want to see her dead."

There was a pregnant pause where Arthur didn't know what to say. His head was a hazy mix between jealousy, guilt and desperation.

"Please don't kill her, sire…" Mordred whispered with pleading eyes, "Please."

"I'm sorry, Mordred. I have to. She's too much of a threat." Arthur said strictly.

"Is this some-" Mordred pressed his lips together in frustration, "Is this just out of jealousy? Because I've known you to be a noble and fair king and this isn't fair. If this is because of us then please- stop this now, I do not want Cara to die because of us."

"Mordred, I can assure you it is nothing to do with _us," _Arthur began to speak with more detachment and authority, "You're blinded by your love for her. I know you, Mordred. I know you would realise her crimes the way I do if you had no emotional attachment to the girl. I'm doing this for Camelot… and you know, better than anyone, that I will do anything for Camelot."

"Arthur… if you kill her I can never forgive you."

Arthur hesitated but said, "Then that may be the price I pay."

Arthur saw Mordred for the penultimate time that night before he disappeared. Mordred came to him and gave a convincing apology. Arthur actually believed him. He thought that Mordred genuinely saw the errors in his ways and judgment and was sorry for what he had done.

How wrong he was.

When Merlin informed Arthur of Mordred's plan to free the druid girl and he saw the empty cell, Arthur knew he was to remain broken hearted forever.

He would never have his Mordred back. Any hopes of that vanished.

They found Mordred and Kara with almost no effort and they were brought back to the castle. Percival had knocked Mordred out cold.

He watched an unconscious Mordred being carried on Percival's horse while Kara was dragged behind by Gwaine. Arthur looked to the sky. It was a clear night and the stars shone over their heads. The same stars he and Mordred had watched only a month ago as they sneaked out of the castle, spending the night simply cuddled close, mapping out the constellations and kissing.

How times had changed.

Mordred woke up shortly after and him and Kara were locked in the cells of Camelot.

Mordred asked him his fate. Arthur said he didn't know which was the truth. And that was the last time Arthur saw Mordred in the castle, as his knight. Mordred was soon to become someone completely different to Arthur. At least in role. Maybe not in his heart.

Arthur tossed and turned that night in bed, the events of the past days lolling over in his head. He hated the thought of having Mordred locked up in the dungeons, cold and hungry. But that wasn't even the thing concerning him the most.

The outcome of Kara's execution. Arthur could feel there was something brewing. Whether it was the decision he had to make about what to do with Mordred or something completely unexpected, Arthur didn't know. He just knew something was coming.

It was something unexpected of course.

Mordred broke out of his cell using magic. Arthur knew Mordred was a druid and was bound to have some magical abilities, something he overlooked in the past, however it seemed Mordred was much more powerful than he thought.

A part of him wished Mordred to have a happy life. He wished Mordred would go start off somewhere new, find a woman or even another man to live his life out with. The other part of him wished for Mordred to be here, with him again. He wished Guinevere never found out about them and he wished Kara had never been executed.

But none of that was the outcome of Kara's death. Arthur knew that with Mordred's magic and his strong will he would go straight to Morgana, someone he once trusted and loved. Arthur had given Mordred every reason to hate and fight against him.

Not only was Arthur now fighting his own sister, but the person he was in love with too.

How quickly someone could become an enemy, Arthur mused.

~X~

_A/N: Soo I bet you're all as devastated as me that Merlin has come to an end, it was a fantastic ending though. Hoping there will be a spin off series (fingers crossed!). If not, hoping to see lots of fanfictions popping up! _

_I wanted to keep going with this story because with everything that happened in the last series, it felt wrong to leave it at that! Gwen seems like a real bitch in this story, which I didn't mean to happy so I'm sorry for that, but it worked I think? _

_There's gonna be a last little chapter which I haven't actually started yet but I think it will round this story off._

_Hope you all have liked it and if you do, please review! _


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